One of the top questions I get asked is: “Jackie… what do you think about masturbation?”
I know, this is one of those topics that makes everyone cringe.
But it needs to be addressed.
Sexual Design & Emotional Development
You were created with real, God-given sexual needs. Those needs are not shameful; they’re sacred.
They were designed to bond two people in covenant, to deepen emotional and spiritual intimacy, and to drive us toward connection, not isolation.
Sex is supposed to motivate growth, pursuit, and partnership. It’s meant to mature us, stretch us, and teach us selflessness. That’s why it’s called a sex drive; it’s supposed to drive us toward something, not just provide a physical biological release.
But when you meet that need in isolation over and over and over and over again, you train your brain that you can get the reward without the relationship. You start rewiring your nervous system to believe that connection isn’t necessary for sexual satisfaction.
That’s the real issue. Not a single act (let’s be honest almost everybody has done it), but a habit. A pattern of self-preservation over trust, control over communication, and comfort over connection.
The Habit That Trains the Brain
This isn’t about a one-off. I personally think everybody should know what’s going on down there with their own body. This is about what happens when self-gratification becomes your norm.
When the brain learns that pleasure can be achieved without effort, communication, or vulnerability,
it slowly detaches sexual fulfillment from relational fulfillment.
That means when real intimacy becomes available, it’s harder to let someone in. It’s harder to trust.
It’s harder to connect because you’ve trained yourself to meet the need without risking rejection, conflict, or emotional exposure.
Sex, when experienced in healthy covenant relationship, is not just a physical act, it’s an emotional and spiritual exercise in trust. When we bypass that process, we might find relief, but we lose the growth that only comes through connection.
The Role of Sexual Tension
Here’s something most people never consider: The tension of not being sexually fulfilled is part of the design.
That’s the “drive.” It’s meant to propel you into pursuit, into openness, relationship, and ultimately, covenant.
When we instantly relieve every form of tension, we lose our motivation.
We numb the very hunger that was designed to lead us into love.
That drive is supposed to catalyze action, to push us to connect, pursue, risk, and grow. Without it, we lose the energy and urgency that help us mature into relationally capable adults.
The Infantilization of Men
We are witnessing this in men right now especially. There’s a cultural infantilization of masculinity happening, a generation of men sitting at home getting dopamine hits from video games, pornography, and masturbation instead of from real human interaction.
They’re getting chemical rewards from screens instead of smiles.
From fantasy instead of pursuit.
From instant gratification instead of emotional investment.
The result?
A generation of men who feel stimulated but not satisfied.
Entertained but not engaged.
Connected online, but isolated in real life.
When men stop channeling their natural drive into purpose, partnership, and pursuit, society loses something essential.
Women lose the experience of being pursued. Men lose the growth that only comes through pursuing a woman’s heart. And relationships start losing their appeal to everyone.
What Happens When You Bring Self-Gratification Into Marriage
Let’s talk about this inside of marriage.
If you’ve programmed your mind to seek sexual gratification whenever you want it, what happens when your partner doesn’t want it?
What if they’re tired, sick, stressed, or simply not in the mood? Do you know how to practice self-control?
Or do you go into the other room and relieve yourself because you just can’t go a day without sexual release?
That’s not maturity, that’s conditioning. Real intimacy isn’t about pleasure on demand.
It’s about patience, empathy, and emotional awareness.
So what happens when there’s conflict or disconnection?
Do you work on the relationship?
Do you communicate, repair, and return to one another mind, soul, and body? Or do you bypass the process entirely and do whatever feels good in the moment to meet your own needs?
Because if that’s the pattern, what you’ve built isn’t intimacy, it’s avoidance.
When we self-soothe instead of resolve, we teach our bodies that pleasure is a substitute for peace.
But sex was never meant to replace reconciliation, it was meant to flow from it.
Why This Matters for Everyone
To have great sex, even inside marriage, you need more than a body. You need communication, connection, and to actually be on good terms with your person.
That’s what makes intimacy powerful. It matures you. It stretches you. It teaches you how to give, not just take. But when you learn to meet that need yourself, you shortcut the process that prepares you for real intimacy.
We think the pattern will stop once we’re married, but it usually doesn’t.
Once you’ve trained your body to self-soothe instead of be vulnerable, it’s much easier to keep meeting your own needs instead of asking for your needs to be met.
The Heart Work
Sex that’s truly satisfying takes emotional presence, communication, and consistency. And if you can’t build that before the bedroom, you won’t magically find it once you get there.
Marriage isn’t just hard work, it’s heart work. And real intimacy doesn’t start with your body, it starts with your heart.
So no, I’m not “anti-pleasure.”
I’m pro-connection.
Pro-growth.
Pro-wholeness.
Because self-gratification may relieve pressure, but connection releases purpose.
And that’s what we were made for. ❤️
