Let’s talk about something people usually only admit in private DMs:
Most people today, including “Christians,” don’t want to wait for marriage to have sex.
And honestly?
Their reasons sound pretty logical.
Smart, even.
I hear these reasons every day as a relationship coach:
- “We need to test our sexual chemistry.”
- “My ex stopped wanting sex, I’m not risking that again.”
- “Sex is a big part of compatibility. I need to know.”
- “If I’m attracted, I’m going to want sex. Why deny biology?”
- “What if we’re sexually mismatched?”
- “Living together first is just practical, it’s like a test drive.”
- “Waiting builds tension and makes everything harder.”
- “Sex is how I bond. It’s part of connection.”
- “You can’t really know someone until you sleep with them.”
- “Sex proves they’re actually attracted to me.”
- “If I don’t have sex, they’ll leave. I need to know now.”
- “Everyone today sleeps together early, that’s just modern relationships.”
- “Waiting is basically impossible in this culture.”
- “I will never find a guy if I tell him I’m not going to have sex before marriage.”
These aren’t dumb excuses.
They’re very human fears, shaped by past heartbreak, hormones, attachment style, trauma, and the modern dating culture we’ve all been swimming in for the last 50 years.
But here’s the problem:
Just because a reason feels logical doesn’t make it wise.
And just because a fear feels valid doesn’t make it true.
When you line these fears up against actual research, neuroscience, and relationship science, the picture becomes very clear:
Early sexual involvement doesn’t protect you from choosing the wrong person. It almost guarantees it.
So let’s walk through the 12 research-backed reasons why waiting (or even just delaying) sexual involvement leads to stronger, happier, and more stable relationships.
Not from morality.
Not from religion.
But from science and human nature.
12 Reasons Why Your Smart-Sounding Reasons Are Actually Wrong
1. Sexual chemistry does NOT predict long-term compatibility.
People swear, “If we have great sex, we’ll have a great marriage.”
But the research is brutal:
Shared values, emotional safety, character, communication, emotional intelligence, and trust are 10x stronger predictors of marital success than sexual chemistry.
Sexual chemistry is a feeling.
Compatibility is a lifestyle.
2. “Bad sex” is almost never about sexual technique.
Sex dies in relationships because of:
- Stress
- Emotional distance
- Hormonal changes
- Conflict
- Mental health
- Feeling unheard
- Resentment
- Disconnection
Not because the couple was “sexually incompatible.” Bad sex is a relationship issue, not a chemistry issue. You can fix technique. You cannot fix immaturity or selfishness.
3. Couples who delay sex are consistently happier and more stable.
This isn’t theory, this is documented.
Major studies from:
- University of Denver
- Cornell
- UCLA
- Journal of Marriage & Family
All show the same thing:
Couples who wait or slow down sexually have:
✔ higher relationship satisfaction
✔ better communication
✔ more stable bonds
✔ lower breakup rates
✔ higher long-term commitment
✔ lower divorce rates
And couples who wait until marriage?
They report:
- 22% higher marital satisfaction
- Stronger communication
- Greater sexual fulfillment
- Less cheating
Why? Because clarity > chemistry.
4. Early sex causes “chemical confusion” in the brain.
Sex releases:
- Oxytocin – bonding
- Dopamine – reward and addiction
- Vasopressin – attachment and protectiveness
These chemicals are powerful.
They literally override critical thinking.
So when you sleep with someone early, your brain becomes less able to see red flags, less able to evaluate compatibility, and more likely to form premature attachment.
It’s not love. It’s neurochemistry.
5. Cohabitation or early sex raises the divorce risk, not lowers it.
People think living together first helps them test compatibility. The research says the opposite.
Cohabitation before engagement or marriage increases divorce risk because:
- People slide into relationships without intentional decisions
- Boundaries blur
- Breakups get complicated
- Couples get attached before assessing compatibility
- Commitment becomes passive, not active
This effect is so well-documented psychologists call it the cohabitation effect.
6. Early sex makes it harder to walk away from the wrong person.
When you mix sex with early dating, your body bonds faster than your logic can analyze.
This leads to:
- staying too long
- ignoring red flags
- excusing bad behavior
- over-investing
- confusing intensity with intimacy
Most people stay 6–18 months longer than they should just because of sexual bonding. Sex binds, so it cannot be taken lightly or casually.
7. If someone leaves because you don’t want early sex, they were never your person.
People say, “If I don’t sleep with them, they’ll leave.” Great. Let them.
A marriage-minded person:
- respects boundaries
- honors pacing
- values emotional connection
- communicates intentions
- wants long-term stability
Someone who leaves because you’re not sexual fast enough didn’t want a partner. They wanted access.
That’s a situationship, not a spouse.
8. Sexual skill is teachable. Character is not.
Most people rank “sexual compatibility” way too high, ignoring the fact that sexual skill can be learned, intimate communication can be taught, and technique can improve.
Sex is incredibly malleable.
Character… not so much.
9. Attraction actually grows through emotional closeness.
Studies show that couples who develop:
- deeper friendship
- safety
- trust
- emotional vulnerability
- shared dreams
…experience greater long-term attraction and better sex.
Emotional closeness enhances physical desire. Physical access does not create emotional closeness. This is why many long-term couples say: “The sex keeps getting better.”
10. Waiting protects you from confusing lust with love.
Lust is powerful.
Intoxicating.
Exciting.
And very temporary.
But it mimics love so well that people make lifelong decisions in a 90-day dopamine fog. Waiting helps your mind evaluate: Is this love or is this infatuation and lust?
11. You can assess compatibility without having sex.
True compatibility comes from:
- shared vision
- conflict resolution
- honesty
- kindness
- empathy
- spiritual or moral alignment
- emotional maturity
- life goals
This is what makes couples last. Not orgasms.
12. Slow-build relationships are more successful than fast-burn ones.
Relationships built like slow cookers (with pacing, intention, and friendship) create:
- deeper trust
- better communication
- stronger attachment
- lasting attraction
- long-term stability
Fast, sexual, high-intensity beginnings feel exciting, but they almost never last.
Long-term love comes from slow, steady, consistent, intentional connection.
People think that having sex early will help them avoid choosing the wrong person. But the science, and thousands of real-world couples, tell a different story:
Early sex makes it harder to see clearly, harder to choose wisely, and harder to walk away when you should run.
Healthy relationships aren’t built on “test drives.” They’re built on clarity, communication, mutual respect, character, and emotional safety, the things that actually predict lifelong love.
If you want to hear more relationship coaching from me, follow me at @JackieDormanofficial on Instagram and check out my Last Year Single program.
