Most people think the biggest barrier to finding love is a lack of available, high-quality singles.
But after working with thousands of singles as a relationship coach, here’s what I believe is closer to the truth:
Most people are not single because of their standards. They’re single because of their safety strategies.
What looks like “high standards” is often:
- attachment trauma
- relationship anxiety
- religious OCD
- cultural conditioning
- internalized fear
The wild part?
Most people don’t even realize it.
So let’s break this down and talk about why modern dating feels harder, scarier, and more confusing than ever and how to finally reset your standards so they’re rooted in your wisdom, not your wounds.
PART 1: When Your Standards Are Really Symptoms
Your “type” might not be based on preference, it might be based on protection.
Your “standards” might not be really be a deregulated nervous system.
Your hyper-specific “outer appearance requirements” might not be about attraction, they might be a way for your brain to create certainty because dating feels unsafe.
Avoidant Attachment
Uses “high standards” as escape routes:
- “If they’re not perfect, I’m out.”
- “I need someone who looks exactly like XYZ.”
- “If I feel too much too soon, something must be wrong.”
This isn’t discernment, it’s disconnection strategies.
Anxious Attachment
Anxious attachment tries to create safety through fantasy.
- “If I choose right & pick the perfect partner, I’ll finally feel secure.”
- “If the signs look perfect, maybe they won’t leave.”
- “If I choose right, I’ll finally feel secure.
Trying to guarantee the outcome before taking the risk isn’t shallow, it’s fear of abandonment.
Disorganized Attachment
This one creates impossible standards to avoid the terror of closeness.
- “Something feels off.”
- “I don’t have peace.”
Closeness feels dangerous, so the standards become unattainable.
Religious OCD / Relationship OCD
This is where it gets spiritual-looking but it’s actually anxiety-driven.
- “What if this isn’t God? I need a new sign every 15 minutes.”
- “What if I miss my person?”
- “One wrong date will ruin my destiny.”
- Thinks feeling uncertain = “God is saying no”
This isn’t discernment or prophetic, it’s hypervigilance wrapped up in a Bible verse.
ROOT TRUTH:
Unrealistic standards are rarely about high expectations.
They’re usually about high levels of fear.
Where This Anxiety Comes From
For most of human history, people chose partners within community, not in isolation.
You married people whose:
- character
- reputation
- family
- values
- behavior
were already known by the community around you.
Community filtered your options.
Family modeled connection.
Spiritual community reinforced commitment.
You didn’t need a 47-item checklist because you had a living, breathing safety net.
But today, everything that used to hold dating together has broken down:
The Breakdown of Family
Many adults never saw:
- healthy communication
- conflict + repair
- emotional safety
- faithful commitment
- mutual respect
- secure love
So they build rules instead of using role models.
The Breakdown of Community
Now most people date:
- alone
- online
- in fear
- without trusted voices
- without guidance
- without mirrors
Where there is no community, culture fills the void.
Cultural Standards Replace Real Ones
Now our “type” is shaped by:
- Instagram aesthetics
- influencer relationships
- gym culture
- romantic fantasies
- idealized bodies
- TikTok dating advice
- curated perfection
Not actual character.
Religious Pressure Makes It Worse
On top of trauma + culture, Christians hear:
- “Don’t choose wrong.”
- “Wait for God.”
- “You must hear perfectly.”
- “You better not settle.”
- “Don’t miss your destiny.”
That pressure makes people more anxious, not wiser.
Bottom Line
Broken family → no modeling
Broken community → no support
Cultural fantasy → perfectionism
Religious pressure → fear of misstepping
This is why modern Christians struggle so deeply with unrealistic standards.
It’s not your fault.
But it is something you can heal.
Godly Standards vs. Trauma Standards vs. Anxiety Standards
Now that we know where all this comes from, here’s how to tell the difference:
GODLY STANDARDS
Feel: Calm, grounded, consistent, peaceful
Focus on:
- character
- kindness
- emotional health
- integrity
- consistency
These guide you. They don’t control you.
TRAUMA STANDARDS
Feel: Rigid, defensive, reactive, suspicious
Sound like:
- “Never again will I…”
- “If they do or say this ONE thing, I’m out.”
These aren’t wrong, they’re just unhealed.
ANXIETY STANDARDS
Feel: Panicked, perfectionistic, pressured
Sound like:
- “I need certainty before I’m vulnerable.”
- “They have to be exactly this height/look/style.”
This isn’t wise because what if you find your “list” person but you still don’t have peace?
THE LITMUS TEST
Ask yourself:
Does this non-negotiable GUIDE me, or PROTECT me?
Does it come from PEACE or PRESSURE?
Does it honor my FUTURE or fear of my PAST?
Does it create CONNECTION or DISTANCE?
Listen to your body, your nervous system will tell you the truth.
FINAL WORD
Your love story isn’t delayed because your standards are too high.
It’s delayed because your standards are trying to keep you safe, not help you choose wisely.
Healing your attachment style, clearing religious anxiety, and reconnecting to healthy community will completely transform what you expect and what you attract.
Your standards won’t get lower.
They’ll get truer.
Your relationships won’t necessarily get easier. They’ll get healthier.
And your love story won’t just happen. It will be accelerated.
If you’d like relationship coaching so you can get help with all of this, join Last Year Single.
